


Butterfly Effect

by yugyeomie_97



Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-06 07:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6745426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yugyeomie_97/pseuds/yugyeomie_97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Butterfly Effect - "The scientific theory that a single occurrence, no matter how small, can change the course of the universe forever."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Curly Hair and Cinnamon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I sit in absolute misery. Haha.

_July 24, 2014_

_This is first letter I'm writing about you; please bear with me. I don't even know why I started to do this; I just met you two days ago and I can't get you out of my head. You were disrupting my thoughts most of the time, you know? They all call it "love at first sight" but I don't think that it is that. I was probably just as nervous as you are when JB hyung introduced us to each other. I'm not a people person so I apologize for my weirdness._

_My head is flooded with thoughts such as, "is he okay?", "did he eat already?", "is he studying hard?" I don't know, it's fucked. As much as I want to forget about you, I can't. This is stupid. I sound like a weird school girl and I'm not a girl, for fuck's sake. Speaking of me not being a girl, yes, I am not a girl. I'm a guy, but for some weird psychotic reason, my brain and heart decided on me to like boys. How fucked up is that?_

_Speaking of boys, you are in my head again. Goddammit. How to get you out of my head? Teach me how because I don't seem to know it. Last time I checked I was madly in love with Lee Min Ho; seriously that guy is so handsome since I knew about him in 2009. Anyway, I don't know why JB hyung introduced us to each other; he probably wants to have more friends besides me because I'm the most boring person he ever met._

_Okay, never mind. I'm blabbering. (How do you blabber in a letter, again?)_

_I'll write again soon. For sure. Hopefully._

_Jinyoung_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I barely remember the stupid things I did when I met him for the first time. He's perfect with all the brown curly hair and those eyes... goddamn, those eyes. He looked perfect like an angel; and I'm just a lame human, walking around the earth with depression and anxiety written all over my face. JB hyung was my only friend and my family, basically. It's not my fault that I'm gay and my parents kicked me out. Talk about good parenting.

I still remember when I walked into JB hyung's apartment, telling how I hate myself and basically swallowing a bottle of pills in front of him. From then on he promised not to leave me, ever. JB hyung's really lucky; he has a family that supports him no matter the circumstance (except when he's doing reckless shit) and I am here, in their lovely abode. So close to taking my life again because people took the love of my life away from me. 

_Mark._

Why did he have to suffer? What bad thing did he do that he was involved in that situation? He was an angel from heaven yet the last time I saw him he was smiling so bright and telling me to "live life and have no regrets". He was my sunshine and I am a plant; he's my source of strength. And now I regret that I ever met him; because if he didn't meet me, he will not die this soon. He will probably die of old age, but not now. Why now? Everything was alright. It was perfect. Until they took Mark away from me. People will say, "you weren't there, it's not your fault". It's my fault... because I wasn't there.

 

I sat up on the bed, rethinking my life choices; if I stand up and go outside, I'll just be reminded of the pain. If I don't, I'll die here in misery and sadness and emotional pain. I've cried so many times I still wonder why my tear ducts didn't rust yet. I am the most horrible person ever and I lived. Or maybe that was intentional; his death. Did they need this angel back that much, he had to suffer a painful death? They could at least get him while he was asleep but no, he suffered for a good two hours before drawing his last breath! And again, I wasn't there.

I decided to stand up, go to the kitchen, and at least eat something. I'm just alone in the Im's house; JB hyung's parents went to work and JB hyung's at school as usual. He wanted to stay but I don't want him to. He didn't have to grief with me like this. When I reached the kitchen, there was a note attached in the fridge:

**Jinyoung-ah,**

**I'm glad you got down from your room. Eat something. I'll be home by 2:30pm.**   
**Don't do anything stupid.**

**JB**

I checked the time and it was 01:28pm already; hyung will be here soon. "I'll try to eat something, hyung." I sighed and opened the fridge. I found a good batch of food but I wasn't feeling hungry. No matter how much I feed myself, I'll just end up at the toilet; puking up the food I ate. I don't want to waste such good food by puking it up after a few minutes. So just went back to my room and lie down; because that's what I'm good at lately. Laying down in my own sheets with Mark's pillow; a pillow that's starting to lose the Mark scent on it. I can barely find the cinnamon scent that's smelt of Mark anymore which a mere reason why I started to cry again today. 

This is the last thing I have on him; and I'm slowly losing it as well.

It's only been a month and I'm still here grieving. 

How could I not, he was my first love after all.


	2. Charms and Trains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I left you my memories. Haha.

_August 13, 2014_

_A week before the exams, you asked me out; you asked me out today. I didn't know what to say; simply because I was preoccupied with academic activities. I told you to give me time and I'll answer your question after exams. I saw hope in your eyes. You kissed my cheek and went on your way home. I was happy that after being left and hurt by other people on a daily basis, someone loved me for who I am; for what I am._

_I may have told you to give me time but on that minute you asked me, I already had an answer. I have to apologize if ever I treat you as a distraction, for not answering your question. It's only because that you are. I'll never get over the fact that you're going to be my boyfriend so I asked you to give me time; to wrap my head around the entire truth. I'm such a hopeless romantic, forgive me._

_I have probably done something good in past life to deserve you like this. We only met a few weeks ago, not even a month. How can you develop such a liking for me at that short time? I hope JB hyung didn't force you to date me (because if he did, I'll kill him). I hope you are really doing this whole-heartedly; with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind; because if you are not, it's another way to feel extremely sorry for myself._

_I have no idea what you saw in me that had you thinking that you should date me. I'm just a lame human being who wants good grades and hopefully gets a decent job after college. But here you are, perfect human being with average grades and a lot of people lining up who want to date you; male and female. Why did you choose me? You don't even know if I'm head over heels for you or not (but I am head over heels for you, you shouldn't know that). You know nothing, Mark Tuan._

_I have to go study, Mark. I hope you study too._

_I'll write again soon._

_Jinyoung_

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

I remember feeling extremely happy the day he asked me out; at least I knew that my feelings were reciprocated, that he didn't know. I gave him a hard time with the whole asking out thing because I wanted to see if he's dead serious or this is just one of his horrible games. I asked everyone about him and they all say that he was a playboy, a slut; which were horrible words to begin with and they also told me to run and save myself from his charms. But I couldn't do it. I probably have fallen into his love prison the day I met him. I never felt for someone like this before so I like to take risks. If Mark's going to hurt me, might as well. You only learn from a broken heart.

It took me a solid six months to answer his repetitive question of "will you be my boyfriend?", even if I told him to give me a week. I didn't want him to just get this chance of being with me in a snap of a finger. I wanted him to work for it; and boy, did he just do an amazing job.

Although, I don't know how he felt that day. The day he saw me being crowded by people telling me that I'm such a waste of space and that I should just die. I wonder what it felt like to see the love of your life suffer in front of you. To see other people's fist have contact with your loved one's jaw. I didn't know how Mark felt that day. I was such a selfish bastard, you know? I allowed him to take me back to his dorm, comfort me, and attend on my wounds, but I didn't ask how he was. How stupid of me to just cry in his arms, not even concerning him of his personal pain. I saw him shed a tear or two but I wasn't entirely sure. The medicine calmed my head that day; I fell asleep in his arms, on his bed.

JB hyung came late tonight, he asked how I was and if I ate anything today. I told him I ate the jjajangmyeon his mom made earlier. I wasn't lying. I actually ate today. It took an hour now to dump all the partially digested food on the toilet, that's a progress. I never last 15 minutes before.

"Jinyoung-ah, you're really getting thin. This is not healthy anymore."

"I know, JB hyung. I'm sorry."

He told me to stop apologizing but I never stopped. He's experiencing lack of sleep, worrying about me. JB hyung doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve this at all. I hope he realizes that worrying about me is not good at all. Yeah. He should stop worrying about me. I need to move out. I need to leave. I'm being such an ungrateful prick to the Ims now with my depression or grieving or something. I don't even know my mental sickness anymore. It's fucked. My life is fucked.

I grabbed the duffle bag at the top of the cabinet and packed whatever clothes I can get. I took all the remaining money I had from the last time I worked and when I had savings. I wrote JB hyung and the Ims a goodbye letter, thanking them for everything they've done for me ever since.

It's a few minutes before the last train on the way to Seoul is leaving, I can still catch it. I'm sorry JB hyung for leaving with no proper and formal goodbyes. I have to do this. I have to live alone and be independent; even if it means leaving you. I'm really, really sorry. I have to know how to live life myself, without Mark. You will probably hate me for this, JB hyung, but it's the right thing to do. Again, I'm sorry.

I rode the train to Seoul and never looked back.


	3. Different Route and Endless Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I walk alone with sore feet. Haha.

_August 28, 2014_

_I have to admit that it's nice to be treated like a prince; or someone royal. Mark's such a gentleman that it's too much already. Seriously. I'm a half amused and half creeped out. I'm scared that one day he's gonna hold my dick for me when I pee. It's creepy and terrifying. It makes me cringe just imagining it now. Goddamn. He still won't stop asking me to be his boyfriend; we saw each other three times today (on the way to school, lunch and, on the way home), and he asked me three times. This guy, really._

_Mark, I'm seriously not good for you. I'm just a regular gay guy at school and you don't need to take care of me or anything. I can handle myself, you know? Okay. I feel like a hypocrite now. Because just last night I was cooking for the Ims and you came into the house and you helped me when I slipped. I mean, who spills oil on the kitchen floor? Only me. I hate myself._

_But there's this thing; we talked about it last night. I can't believe I haven't been hiding my wrist wounds very well. I'm kind of surprised that you saw them since I stopped doing it for a year now; then I remembered that you took me to you dorm last week because I was stupidly getting beaten up. It's fucked up, I know. I'm sorry. How can you love me when I hate myself a lot? I can never learn to love you that way Mark if I can't even begin with me. Sorry. I'm being a horrible liar now. I like you a lot, Mark, but I just can't like myself._

_You probably won't read these letters anyway, simply because I wouldn't allow you. You'll just see how vulnerable I am when I'm with you or when I'm thinking about you. I'm terrified that you'll just leave me or even forget about me. I'm tired of always being forgotten, Mark. My own parents forgot me, for fuck's sake. I need to find myself new set of parents who can accept me like JB hyung's parents. But I don't think I deserve that though, I'm such a shit child. A disgrace in a family; because I am gay._

_You are lucky, Mark. Your parents accept you for who you are. I'm not. I'm being alone so much that being alone watching a movie or going to the mall didn't matter at all (which you told me you don't like because you wanted to spend time with me; which I hope isn't a pity because you just feel bad for me being alone)._

_This is getting too long. I'm telling so much. I_ _have to go sleep, it's late._

_I'll write again soon._

_Jinyoung_

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Mark was so creepy back then. I don't know what runs in that boy's head before but it was super weird. There's a part me that wanted to tell that I can handle myself or that I need some privacy, but I couldn't tell him. I couldn't hurt him like that. When I say something sometimes my mouth doesn't have filter and I'm afraid that I might say things I may regret later; it's better to shut up about it though.

He wasn't fond of me being always alone that's why he always picks me up and takes me home from school. JB hyung comes with us but one day he told us he just felt the awkward third wheel; from then on he started going home using a different route. I feel bad for him and apologize but he told me it's okay because I was "finally having a life".  _  
_

Life. Wow. Such a word to use in a shitty society like this; where you can't roam around without someone judging you. It's bad and I don't think I can get used to it. Explains why I'm probably weak enough to fight the bullies of my own and such a dependent on Mark to do that for me. I felt extremely powerless yet at the same time I felt loved. It's not that JB hyung and the Ims didn't love me; I meant love in a romantic way. 

 

I arrived in Seoul not knowing where the hell I should go. I don't even have a place to stay to begin with. Do I look like an idiot right now? Yes I do. I just decided to walk where my feet would take me. Seoul's beautiful though, it's probably not as pretty as those photographic shots JB hyung has but it's beautiful nevertheless. But I have to stop admiring Seoul for now, I need a place to stay. I unlocked my phone and saw 9 missed calls and 13 text messages, all from JB hyung asking where the hell I was. I couldn't reply. I'll just feel extra bad for myself.

I've probably been walking for a few hours; yep, it's 01:34am now. I don't know where I'm going. Most of the Seoul population's asleep. I can't stay for the night in a hotel, I don't have the budget for that. Not to boast but goddamn, I have 750,000 won in my pocket. I'm gonna need every cent of it if I want to last homeless and jobless for a week. Hotel's not a good idea to spend the night. Guess who planned to sleep on the streets? Me!

My endless journey of "looking for a good ground to sleep onto" is on going when I heard a fuss. A group of guys went out of a building 10 meters close and approaching proximity. What the hell? Who's up until this time? Most of them seem tired though. Oh, of course, they're Korea's soon-to-be pop stars. I just happened to walk across my entertainment company. 

Okay, I'm kidding. It's not my fault we have the same names. As if I could write down Park Jin Young on the medical chart when I went out of my mom's vagina. Again, not my fault. I ignored the pop stars and just carried on walking when a giant person bumped into me. 

"Youngjae hyung, you should really watch when you're going." he said; and his eyes were closed. Goddamn. 

"Excuse me? Your eyes are closed. _You_  should watch where you're going." I replied bitterly. 

Sigh. Just because you're rising stars of tomorrow doesn't mean you have to forget manners. Kids these days. I don't even understand the concept of this entertainment thing. I don't get it. It's confusing. Just thinking about it make my head hurt.

"Oh! Ahjussi, I'm really sorry! I thought it was one of my friends." he repeatedly saying while in his 90-degree bow.

"Aish. It's okay. But next time you watch out." I pat him on the shoulder.

He nodded. "Okay, good luck with your pop star thing, kid." I mean, I assume he's younger than me by the way he acted. I hate assuming things though.

"Take care, ahjussi."

I nodded and set off to my journey again; which is to find a comfortable ground to sleep on. This is how horrible my life is. Going to Seoul with no fucking plans at all. 

I checked my phone again; 01:59am. I suddenly remembered there's a park by the Han River. Yes, I can sleep there for tonight until 6am or when I'm forced to leave. My legs were about to give up and I'm starving, I just have to hold on to myself for now. I can't buy anything, everything else cheap is closed and I'm not spending 100,000 won of food for tonight. Nope. 

When I arrived at the park, my coat is failing at its job to keep me warm. It's really cold out here but I really have no choice, at all. My body needs to rest or else I'll end up more sick that I already am. I lied down on one of the benches, it not comfortable, but it's something to sleep on.

This is good for now.


	4. Depression and a Missing Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I meet a friend. Haha.

_October 18, 2014_

_Help me. Please. I don’t know what to do. I’m losing it again; I’m losing myself again. Help me, Mark. Please. Don’t make this hard for me. I’m so full of hatred and regret I don’t know what to do anymore. Why I am not what society wants to be? Why am I like this? Why am I not normal? Tell me why, because I’m lacking words and proper answers right now._

_I’m taking my medications, Mark, why am I not getting better at all? For a sudden, I think I’m getting worse. I’m so tired of living and a part of my soul is leaving me already. I may not be physically dead but my mentality and emotional stability is in a coma already. I’m sitting here with the lamp on but what I see is complete darkness in my head. I can’t see anything, Mark. Help me, please. Oh my God._

_Save ME, Mark. Please._

_Jinyoung_

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

October 18, 2014; the day when my depression hit me like a fucking truck. It was the worst day of my life. Mark kept asking me if I was okay, I’m telling him I’m fine which he blindly believed, but I wasn’t. Nothing happened the days before that made me that sad and depressed. I don’t even know the root cause; or maybe I know I’m just denying it.

To be honest, I don’t know what’s wrong with me that day. I’m holding the letter in my hands and noticing the smudged ink; I was crying while I was writing. I’m still trying to think about what made me feel like that; possible cause: bottled up emotions.

It was nothing but sweet memories from Mark then, but after a few days of asking me over and over, he just stopped asking altogether. It’s probably my fault; I played the hard-to-get game with him and he probably got sick of it. I thought he wasn’t gonna give up on me; but he did, probably, gave up on me that time. I can’t handle it and just cried when I got home. I cried with a heavy feeling in my chest. I remembered just dashing up the stairs into my room to fill myself with despair and broken heart.

Mark got sick of me; got sick of asking me. He grew tired, and I was a fool to let him go like that. I was stupid.

 

I didn’t fall asleep at all on the bench. It was not comfortable at all, but this will do. I have to endure my stupid plan to go to Seoul with nothing in my head about what I should do. The stars are bright at this time of night; I’m not good at constellations but I’m seeing one right now. I just wish my life is as perfect as the constellation above, it’s beautiful. Unfortunately, my life is far from being in that state. My paranoid mind says that I’m gonna get robbed tonight but I decided to ignore it. It’s cold, peaceful and beautiful at the same time. The cold is getting to me; I think I sneezed a couple of times now. My back hurts as well; urghhhhhhhhh I’m such a whiny—

“Excuse me? Are you okay?”

I quickly sat up. Am I speaking out my thoughts? “Uh… yeah, I guess so? Why?”

“Oh nothing, it’s just that you were sort of talking to yourself.” Yeah. This is awkward.

He gestured on the space beside me, “Mind if I sit?”

“No, not at all.” I moved my belongings towards me and allowed him to sit.

This is probably the most awkward something minutes of my life; we were just sat there staring towards the river. I don’t know but I think I caught him staring at me a couple of times but I didn’t mind that. He probably thinks I’m super weird. I pulled out and unlocked my phone; 03:49am. I haven’t slept at all today, what a miracle. I love sleep, or no. I love dreaming in my sleep; it’s the only place where I see, _him_ , ya know? Besides a couple of selcas of the both of us in my phone, the dreams feel real.

You know what else feels more real; the awkwardness right now. I’m sitting with a dude, probably younger than me that’s for sure, just… no words from both of us. I’m a good hyung too so I decided to slice the awkwardness and break the silence.

“What are you doing here? It’s late.” I asked, still looking towards the river ignoring his gaze.

He chuckled. “I should ask you the same.”

This kid, seriously. “Fine; I’m not telling you my name yet but I’m from Jinhae-gu, I just arrived here a couple of hours ago with no plans and no place to stay. I have a fair amount of money in my pocket that can keep me alive for a week if I live here in this bench and eat about once a day. What about you?”

He sighed before answering my question. “I’m Youngjae; I respect if you don’t want to tell me your name. I’m originally from Mokpo but I live in a dorm building across the park, I’m a trainee at JYP Entertainment.”

Oh. He’s one of those kids.

“Your name seems familiar. Do you have a friend of yours that’s as tall as a titan?”

“You mean, Yugyeom?” He laughed.

What? “Who’s Yugyeom?”

“He a trainee as well, he’s too tall for a guy his age but he's a good dongsaeng. Why?”

He was the weird sleepy guy that bumped me earlier. “We bumped into each other a while ago, I think when you were on your way home; he told me to watch where I’m going but he was walking with his eyes closed.”

“Omo! That kid; seriously, even outside he’s causing trouble with his sleeping habits.”

“It’s okay. He’s probably tired though. When you see each other soon kindly tell him to stop calling me ‘ahjussi’, I forgot to mention it earlier. I’m not that old.”

He giggled. “How old are you?”

“I’m 22.”

“Ah. It seems we’re kind of close now, can I call you ‘hyung’?”

Wow. “It’s okay.” I smiled at him.

“Hyung. I didn’t get your name yet.”

I made him think. “You already mentioned my name earlier.”

He silent for a few moments; trying to comprehend the words we said to each other. I admit that he looks kind of funny, although it also looks like he’s making lots of diagrams in his head; thinking of a name that he mentioned. He’s gonna get it, for sure.

“Is your name also Yugyeom?” He asked and I just shook my head.

“I wish I’m just as rich as him; with a company, successful career—“

“Your name is Park Jinyoung?!” He asked me, shocked. I just nodded.

“No way that your name is Park Jinyoung. Wow. I’m gonna tell PD-nim tomorrow! Maybe he’ll recruit you personally.”

Whoa what? “Recruit me for what?”

He scoffed, “To be an idol, of course. You’re the only person I know that has the same name as him and I bet you’re just as talented as PD-nim. He once told us that everyone named Park Jinyoung is talented. I wish I had your name.”

I pat him on the back. “Ya. Your name is nice; it suits you.”

“Thanks, hyung.” He smiled. “Omo! I need to go back to the dorm.”

Oh. “Oh, okay; good luck with your pop star thing, kiddo.”

“Thanks. How about you? Where are you going now?”

“I guess I’ll just stay here, Youngjae-ah. I’ll try to look for a place to stay once the sun rises though. I can’t just stay here and freeze myself to death every night.” I smiled.

“Okay, hyung; whatever suits you. Don’t forget what I told you. Seriously, I’m sure PD-nim will like you.”

I’ll think about it. “I’ll think about it, Youngjae-ah.”

“I’m gonna go. Bye.” He waved and quickly ran towards his dorm building.

Well that was nice, something to just take my mind off of how unfortunate I am alone. I think I’m going to do this entertainment thing; not be famous or anything but simply to find some place to live, at least. I need it if I’m going to live alone. I’m technically alone now so… yeah.

My phone began vibrating for God knows how many times already. It’s JB hyung. I weighed the pro’s and the con’s if I answered his call. He’s going to be happy if I answered because I’m just a shit friend and now he’s gonna know I’m alright and I’m gonna make him sleep. If I don’t answer the phone, he’s probably going to file missing person report in the police station and let everyone in the Republic of Korea look for me.

I answered his call.


	5. Running and Motorcycles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I... My life's fucked. Haha.

_November 12, 2014_

_Mark’s my best friend for now. I still haven’t answered his question, not that I don’t want to but I just don’t wanna rush into things. If ever, this is going to be my first romantic relationship and I just want it to be the last one; I believe that if you found the one, there is forever. I want to know if he’s the one and I don’t want to disappoint myself. I may be too young for this kind of thing but I’m not an idiot if I make others a reference of how relationships work._

_I’m starting to get better now though, I haven’t had any panic attacks for two weeks now, so that’s good. I don’t want to be sick (in that way) again. A part of me also says that it’s because of Mark, even though I deny it for so many times. I’m still playing the hard-to-get game._

_It’s probably stupid that Mark’s my only friend besides JB hyung. I mean, they’re a year above me making my sorry ass always alone in a “group” project. Do you see how people are these days? It’s not my fault if I want to be alone most of time; it doesn’t mean I hate everyone (okay, I hate everyone)._

_I still have homework to finish._

_I’ll write again soon._

_Jinyoung_

I answered JB hyung’s call.

“Hello? Is this Park Jinyoung?” His voice sounded scared, or tired… more like tired. It’s like he was running.

“Yeah.” I whispered.

“Thank God you’re alright! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Where the hell are you, Jinyoung-ah?”

Am I alright?

“I’m…uh… I’m at Seoul.”

“What? What are you doing in Seoul? Why did you run away?”

“I… have to… find myself, I guess? I’ve been a great weight to you guys by staying at home and doing nothing but sulk and I just… I just thought that leaving will loosen up the weight a little bit.”

He sighed. “Jinyoung-ah. You know it’s okay having you here.”

“I… know but… I want to be independent, you know?”

“Being independent and running away are two different things, Jinyoung-ah.”

“I know, hyung. I’m not in the right mind at the moment. I haven’t slept and I’m sorry that you haven’t slept as well because of my stupid disappearance also known as running away.”

“You’re ignoring the question. Why did you run away?”

I ran away because it’s the only way to move on from Mark; to erase all the memories in my head by leaving the place we shared all of it.

“I’m sorry, JB hyung. Please forgive me.” I ended the call and turned off my phone.

 

It’s 07:49am now and I still hate myself. JB hyung has done so much for me, why the hell am I pushing him away? Oh, right. I just don’t want him to suffer anymore because of me. He’s stressed a lot lately with all his school works and I don’t want to be an addition to it anymore. I don’t want anyone worrying about me anymore. But I also think that me running away worsen his state.  

I continue to walk around for a little bit and find a cheap place to stay besides bench at the park; plus a little dash of me not eating anything for the past 19 hours. I was just exhausted and hungry.

And I think I passed out.

 

_“Mark hyung are you sure you can drive motorcycles? Last time I checked, you can’t.” I laughed._

_Mark hugged me from behind. “Why does my baby doubt me?” he pouted._

_“You know I value safety of the two of us, right? The very reason why I want to be a doctor, hyung.”_

_“I know, baby. But this is just a little fun; give us a chance to loosen up a bit with all the school works we’re piled with.”_

_He was right. The qualifying exams are coming soon and all we did was study all day, all night. There’s no way we shouldn’t pass this exam because it’s like a proud moment for our parents. It’s the best I can give to my parents who… kicked me out; at least with their gay son passing a college qualifying examination in one of the top universities in Korea… maybe they’ll accept me by then and realize that his not just ‘a phase’._

_“So, are you up for this or not?”_

_I hesitated. “Uhm… okay.” I grabbed his shoulders to sit behind him._

_“Do you trust me?”_

_I grabbed the helmet on the nearby table. “I trust you with a helmet, hyung.” And put the helmet on his head. He laughed._

_I wore my helmet as he started the engine. “You ready, baby?” I nodded._

_Mark slowly let go of the clutch and we were on our way. We enjoyed the cold night wind on us and the busy people in their own respective vehicles. It was so beautiful in the streets, with the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe he’s finally mine and I’m his. A literature expert can write how wonderful the feeling is. He was just a best friend before; now he’s a boyfriend to me._

_I didn’t mean for him to wait for my answer that long; six months is not really a long time. I just wanted it to be perfect; for all words and actions in the right place. I don’t want to mess this up because this is going to be my first and last romantic relationship until the day I die. I’m not rushing yet but I think that he is the one._

_“Mark hyung, can we stop by for a convenience store? I’m hungry.” He didn’t reply. I heard a sniff. Is he crying?_

_“Mark hyung, are you okay?” He just nodded._

_I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m worried; really worried._

_“Jinyoung-ah. I just want to let you know how happy I am to be your boyfriend; that after a few months of courting you, you finally said yes to me. I’ll cherish all of our memories together and I hope you do to.” He screamed through the wind._

_“Enough with all the sappy words, hyung; let’s stop for food.”_

_He took a deep breath. “We can’t Jinyoung.”_

_Why?_

_“I have no breaks.”_

_So this is it then. We were too fast to just simply go down with minor injuries; for God’s sake, we’re running for 150kph! I panicked but I didn’t want to show him that._

_“Hyung, i-is there anything we can do?”_

_He just shook his head. No options, just jump._

_“Hyung, let’s just jump. We have our helmets on. Please don’t panic, hyung. Please.”_

_He turned into an alleyway, grabbed my hand and we jumped… together._

_“Jinyoung-ah! Jinyoung-ah!” I’m woken up with my chest being shaken by Mark. I quickly sat up._

_“We’re alive, Jinyouing-ah.” He breathed and gave me kiss on my forehead. “We’re okay, baby.”_

_I was still a loss for words. We were just in a near-death experience, what do you expect? I’m not riding motorcycles anymore._

_“You saved us, Jinyoung-ah.”_

Did I really save both of us?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes about where this is going...
> 
> 1\. Butterfly Effect will only last up to 10 chapters + epilogue. This is my first GOT7 fan fiction ever so please forgive me if my writing is horrible.   
> 2\. It's still confusing now for you but please wait for constant story updates; everything will be clear as the story progresses. I'm a horrible writer, I know.  
> 3\. This fan fiction is a result of sleepless nights and are only written on sleepless nights. This is my medication.   
> 4\. I don't write if I'm uninspired to write; if I try to, I end up with the most horrible material ever. There's also pressure because there are actually people subscribing in this, I just can't believe it. I'll update as soon as I can, inspiration is not that hard to find.  
> 5\. A sequel is discouraged by my psychologist; reason will remain undisclosed.   
> 6\. The story goes the way I've built it inside my head; changes are made at the process of writing, if necessary.  
> 7\. Forgive my spelling errors/grammar errors in advance.   
> 8\. If anyone wants a good song to listen to while reading, I strongly suggest BTS - 화양연화 Young Forever
> 
> That's all, I guess... Thanks. :)


	6. Needle and Thread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally got some sleep. Haha.

_November 29, 2014_

_I was still traumatized with the motorcycle thing last week. I don’t even remember half of the things that occurred. We were riding the motorcycle and the next thing I know I was in Mark’s dorm and he was treating on my epidermal wounds. He was talking about how brave I was that night but I was just quiet; because I had nothing to say. I was still in shock from the experience._

_We had a date today after the exam. It was… magical, I suppose? It’s not as romantic as dinner for two but watching The Fault in Our Stars in his living room with popcorn and some soda, we’re good. I found myself sobbing after the movie; Mark said I was a crybaby. I probably am._

_I don’t know what would happen if one day I just don’t see Mark, like he’s gone when I wake up the next day. I’d prefer to be like Edward Cullen and watching my Bella Swan sleep, my Mark Tuan. I’m so cheesy; I’m actually cringing while writing this. Then, I should change him into a vampire and we will never age and we will just be together… forever._

_Okay. I have to stop with the Twilight thing._

_Forever; a seven-letter word that makes you hold your heart in your hands. Sometimes, too much belief in this word makes you look stupid and act stupid. Just remember that being in love is not easy. When you love someone, there has to be some sacrifices. It takes true love to fulfill those sacrifices whole-heartedly. When you like someone, don’t give them your all just yet. You might end up getting hurt and the consequences are bad. A study has shown that you can literally die from a broken heart. It’s not just a figure of speech anymore, it’s real._

_Just like my love for Mark; and “it’s a privilege to have my heart broken by you”, Mark._

_I’ll write again soon._

_Jinyoung_

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 

I’m alive.

I’m alive.

Just like Jon Snow, I’m alive.

Okay.

I slowly open my eyelids to take on my surroundings. I’m at a hospital for sure; I can also feel the stupid needle injected on my left arm because I just hate IV. It’s not that cold in my room; in fact the temperature is just perfect. It’s comfortable. I yawned, I probably just fell asleep, right? Oh, wait no.

“This is why you can’t escape me, Jinyoung-ah. I’ll always find you; especially when there’s a local report that they ‘found a body meters away from the JYP training center’ or something.” JB hyung.

It’s not cold, but there’s a scolding coming. Crap.

“What the hell were you thinking Jinyoung? You just ran away like that and assume that I wouldn’t find you? No, man. Do you know that I make it a habit to go back to your room exactly one hour after you say ‘good night, hyung I’m gonna sleep’ because I want to check if you just took your own life or ran away; and that habit wasn’t wrong. And why did you turn off your phone? Do you know that it takes two minutes to turn on a Samsung phone? You can’t call police two minutes after you’re kidnapped!”

He was angry and in rage. I deserve all of it.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” I muttered.

“You have apologized many times Jinyoung and I don’t know if I can forgive you as someone who lives in my house for years and makes me worry like this. But you’re my best friend as well and I’m going to forgive you. I’m not a shit friend.”

You’re not, hyung. I am a shit friend.

“Stop talking to yourself and talk to me, Jinyoung. Why did you run away?”

I took a deep breath. “I’m tired, hyung. I’m tired of being treated like I’m sort of a charity case. I’m tired seeing you sleepless because of me. And now it just makes me feel worse because hey, you’re in Seoul right now which means, you’re skipping classes which you don’t really do because you want to graduate with a clean record. I just left so that the weight you’re lifting extra, which is me, will be removed.”

“Haaa. Why didn’t you tell me? Talk to me, Jinyoung. It’s the main reason why the room I gave to you in my house is across mine; so that when you go out of your room, you can knock in mine if you want to talk. I can’t play mind games with you, Jinyoung. We’re best friends but we’re not telepathic like girl best friends.”

I just looked past him. “I’m really sorry.”

He sighed. “Anyway, where did you sleep last night? You weren’t booked in any hotel.”

“I… I slept at the streets.”

His eyes widened.

“No, not really; I didn’t sleep at all. I just lied down on a bench at the park near Han River.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I don’t have that much money so I can’t book myself in a hotel because I want to survive at least a week homeless and jobless before dying in some alleyway.”

Our conversation was interrupted when the doctor entered the room. She looks nice, that’s for sure; and I remember her from the medical TV show Mark was watching. Mark.

“Mr. Park, it’s very disappointing to see that someone like you is just lying on the ground, passed out from hunger, thirst and hypothermia. We had an IV drip on you for some nutrients, at least. You can discharge today and tomorrow as you wish.”

I think I want to discharge tomorrow; this is a good place to live. But then I remember that’s an extra charge on the room.

“Thanks Dr. Kang.” JB hyung said and smirked. Uhm… did he just low-key flirt with her?

“Sure. I have to excuse myself I still have patients to attend to, if you don’t mind.”

JB hyung and I nodded and she left.

“You have to know that Dr. Kang has a boyfriend, right? She’s talked about it in that medical TV show thing Mark hyung is watching. And that boyfriend is in the army. Hyung, he can kill you and no one would know.”

“Too bad. Why is Mark watching a medical show though?” I just shrugged.

“Seriously, he’s weird.”

“That’s true.” I smiled.

“How are you?” he asked, concerned.

“I’m okay. I’m alive, that’s for sure.”

“No. I mean about Mark…”

I sighed. “I’m okay, I guess. I try to move on and I just can’t, you know? There’s this constant feeling of being attached to him, like a thread just pulling you towards the one who affected your life the most. As much as you try to ignore it, you just can’t. You’re threaded together, like cloth.”

“That’s was deep, Jinyoung-ah. You just ran away and now you know all this wisdom shit.” He laughed.

JB hyung pulled out his phone. “It’s 9:12am now. They’re probably waiting. They said they’ll come back by 9.”

Who? “Who are ‘they’? Last time I checked, I have no friends except you.”

“Ah, the guys who brought you here.”

 

Guys?


	7. Heroes and Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kindly read the end notes after reading this chapter, thank you so much! :)

_December 10, 2014_

_It’s already the 10 th of December and no, I still have no gift for Mark. I hate this. I don’t know what I should get him for Christmas and I just spent the entire day today looking for a good gift and I can’t really find one. I want it to be perfect because he is perfect and I ~~love~~ like him for it. Even if he has a few imperfections; he is perfect in my eyes._

_Anyway, JB hyung said Mark is leaving for Taiwan as soon as the Christmas break begins and I want to give him my gift before he leaves, at least he can open it on Christmas day. I’ll be spending mine with the Ims and their extended family as well. My parents never contacted me ever since they kicked me out so I suppose that’s an automatic elimination of me in that family. How sad._

_Well, not really sad. If I hadn’t left I probably wouldn’t be this happy. Not the fact that I don’t want my parents around but the fact that I get to do whatever I want without the anxiety anymore. I’m selfish, I know. My siblings contact me once in a blue moon but lately they haven’t, probably because of my parents. I’m sorry, okay? I can’t help but blame them. It just hurts me so much; I’m their child, for fuck’s sake._

_I guess I can say that I’m quite happy even if they weren’t around. It’s hurtful that you’re called a ‘faggot’ by strangers but more hurtful when your parents do. My life sucks. Okay. This is probably confusing now. I’ll stop._

_I’ll write again soon._

_Jinyoung_

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

JB hyung went outside of my room. Who were the ‘guys’ who brought me here? I must thank them and maybe cook for them too… oh, wait. I have no place to stay, right.

“Jinyoung-ah. They are your heroes; if not for them, you are probably dead by now in the streets.”

Three teenagers entered the room.

“Jinyoung, this is Youngjae, Yugyeom and Bambam.”

I met Youngjae last night or like a few hours ago and Yugyeom bumped me last night so at least I know them. I think I also saw this Bambam kid last night but I couldn’t remember well.

“Hi hyung.” Youngjae said. “How are you? You weren’t feeling this bad last night.”

I chuckled. “I know, Youngjae-ah.”

“You know each other?” JB hyung asked.

Youngjae nodded. “I met Jinyoung hyung last night when he was talking to himself about being alone or something, I can’t remember.” He laughed.

“Ah, I see. Hey Youngjae, where’s your other friend?” JB asked.

“Oh, Jackson hyung? He went back to the training center to tell the others that we can’t go today. His friend is driving him here.”

You see? You see this is why I ran away from JB hyung’s house; everyone was concerned of me and now a bunch of teenagers won’t attend their training to stardom because of me. I don’t want to be such a weight for them as well. The pressure is insane and I don’t like it one bit. Plus the fact that this Jackson guy is only being brought by his friend on the way here’ like, who the hell does that?

“Jinyoung-ssi, I’m going to leave for a moment. Jackson hyung’s arrived with his friend and I’m gonna go meet them at the hospital lobby.” Bambam shyly said.

“Sure kid; oh, and how old are you?” Bambam looked confused then smiled.

“I’m 20, Jinyoung-ssi.”

“Stop with the –ssi. Call me ‘hyung’; you too, Yugyeom-ah.” They both nodded and left.

JB hyung started opening a paper bag, “You haven’t eaten anything at all. I got you japchae.”

My stomach grumbled at the mention of food. JB hyung started setting up the food for me and in no time, I started eating. Youngjae just sat by the bed fiddling with his phone, obviously pretending to be busy; aish, this kid.

“Youngjae-ah, you wanna eat?”

“No, thank you hyung. We always eat before we go to the training center.” I nodded and went back to eating. JB hyung started eating as well, only that he was standing up. Youngjae shyly offered the seat to him but as a hyung he politely declined. I found it cute and giggled in my head.

The door opened a few minutes later with Yugyeom entering the room, then Bambam, then what I assume is Jackson. He bowed, greeting both JB and I, introducing himself. He was talking about how he saw me when another guy entered the room; Jackson’s friend I assumed because—

Oh shit.

No.

It can’t be.

Why is he?

What?

No, I’m not oriented with this.

“Jinyoung-ssi, this is my friend, Mark hyung.” Jackson said.

I looked at JB hyung. He was just as shocked as I was.

“Hi, Jinyoung-ssi. I’m Mark. How have you been?” He bowed and smiled at me, but do you know what hurt the most? It’s like he doesn’t know me at all. Well, technically he doesn’t know me but… the last time I knew he was dead; like d-e-a-d, dead.

I pinched myself from the momentary shock and cleared my throat. “I have been well, hyung.” You are not to call someone ‘hyung’ if you’re meeting them for the first time (it’s not the first time but you get the point), he didn’t look offended though so that’s good.

“Can I ask why JB hyung and Jinyoung hyung look like they both saw a ghost?” Yugyeom asked.

“Because Yugyeom-ah, Mark looks like Jinyoung’s dead boyfriend; they have the same name too. Mark, do you not remember us?” JB hyung asked him. At least JB hyung tried asking my question to Mark, even though the question is just in my head.

Mark looked shocked. What the hell happened to him? Besides the fact the he got more handsome, it really seems that he didn’t know what the hell was happening and what the hell we’re saying.

Okay fine, I admit. I didn’t see a dead body then, they wouldn’t show me. No one showed me. JB hyung didn’t even see him.

Mark’s family tried their best to hide his ‘dead body’ away from me. I didn’t even get a chance to go to his ‘funeral’. I don’t know what the hell is happening right now. Can he at least remember my shadow or at least anything about me? Our relationship lasted for three months and then he was gone. They told me he died in a car accident, they forbade me to go to the hospital, and funeral and I don’t even know where he was ‘buried’.

“No, I don’t. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry if ever I really looked like him.” He smiled sadly.

“Hey, it’s not your fault, hyung. All of our confusion is not your fault; everything that just happened, not your fault.” I smiled back.

He looked relieved. “I’m sorry, really. Can I excuse myself?” he asked. I just nodded.

“Jackson, can you come with me to the cafeteria? I haven’t eaten anything yet.”

“Oh, uhm. Sure, hyung.” Jackson waved goodbye to us and quickly caught up to Mark who was walking out.

Okay, fine. Here’s the truth. Mark’s relationship with me is a big secret; a secret that he didn’t tell anyone at all. His family didn’t know he preferred men over women romantically; basically, we have the same experience about being “unaccepted in our families” so I think that’s why we relate; that’s why we clicked. He was the most special thing that ever happened to me.

 

Can you not remember me at all, hyung?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely apologize for the long delay. I've lost inspiration for the past few days and I didn't know where to find one.   
> I just wanna say something now: This story is going somewhere and I'm not leaving it unfinished. I'm doing this as fast as I could so that you may enjoy the (happy or sad) ending that I'm enjoying in my head now. I'm still thinking if I should make an extra one-shot somewhere in the timeline when Mark was courting Jinyoung in the story; you need enlightening on that. It will be a gift for all the kudos or comments or subscriptions. But like I said, I'm still thinking about it, if ever, that will be the longest I'm ever going to write because my target is at least 5k words.   
> Anyway, that's all I guess. Feel free to comment; your criticism matters a lot to help me write. Thank you so much. x


	8. Stupid Plans and Thin Glass (Special Chapter)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learn the truth from Mark Tuan, himself.  
> He's not really dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2.1k words for you. Please accept my sincerest apologies.

 

I didn’t really mean to hide away from Jinyoung in the first place. I trembled in the sound of disowning that’s why I agreed to what my parents planned. I didn’t know what to do back then if ever I was disowned; I will not put Jinyoung at risk of always worrying me; but I was so stupid. I didn’t think of the consequence that Jinyoung will experience. I didn’t think of Jinyoung’s mental illness. How can I be so selfish?

It hurt me a lot to leave him that day without saying goodbye; technically, I didn’t say goodbye. He knows I'm dead. I didn’t even hear anything about him after that; he didn’t go online on his SNS accounts so I wouldn’t know. JB isn’t as well but I think that’s because of his studies. I didn’t even know if Jinyoung still studying, no updates on him at all. I was completely disconnected.

He still looked beautiful and charming and perfect; just like the way I saw him for the first time. But I looked into his eyes; I saw it in his eyes today. I saw how sad he was, how Jackson described him as lifeless when he told me he was traumatized because “a guy just fainted while we were on our way to the studio”. I probably underestimated Jinyoung’s love for me; how I doubted him that he wouldn’t miss me when I’m gone. I think he did miss me and I think he almost died doing so.

It’s always clear to me that my parents didn’t like the fact that I was bisexual—so why did I go through the risk of loving Jinyoung and just hurting him like that? Why did I agree to my parent’s stupid plan of going away and “eventually forget Jinyoung”? Somebody, please. Kill me now. It’s better like that. I should have just died, like what they reasoned out to him. Do you know what it’s like to see him extremely sad and depressed?

I do. I’ve seen it so many times before and now I saw it again. I promised him I wouldn’t make him feel like that and we’ll fight his mental illness together; but here I am, seeing the evidence of my broken promise. I saw all of the disappointment, pain, shock, and longing in his eyes altogether. I must’ve made him feel worse than what he’s already feeling.

I want to tell Jinyoung the truth, all of it. But I don’t have any plans on how to tell Jinyoung about all this; about all the stupidity I’m involved into. I want to confess to Jinyoung as soon as possible but I’ve created a hole for myself; pretending I don’t know him.

I’ve spent six months longing for Jinyoung in California. Every little thing I do reminded me of him; how he would always stop me from riding my motorcycle after our little incident before. From the quiet walks to the convenience store to taking a dangerous dive to the pool, I remember him. Am I crazy? Probably.

Jackson knew all of this, knows all about Jinyoung but he hasn’t actually seen him until today.

“Hyung! Why are you running away? He was right there! Go reconcile with him.” Jackson said while chasing me through the hospital stairs.

“I can’t, Jacks. You saw what I did; I pretended not to know him.” I reasoned out.

“Where are you going, then?”

“Out.”

“Out? No.” I quickly ran from the lobby but he caught up to me. “Hyung, we’re going back to your car. Let’s talk there, it’s more…”

“More what?

“More safe, hyung.” I frowned but complied.

We walked back to the parking lot quietly, not speaking; saving all of our words for the upcoming conversation. What plans do I have? I don’t know. Can Jackson help me here? Hopefully. The moment we closed my car doors, he spoke.

“What the heck, hyung? Why did you pretend to not know him? He’s your love; your soulmate, even. I can feel that aura. Why did you do that?” He removed his cap and placed it at the backseat.

“I have to. You know why.”

“Oh, I know why, Mark hyung, but your parents are not here anymore. They’re back in Taiwan. Your sister’s in London, your other siblings are in LA; no one’s looking at who you talk to here."

I laughed. I knew Jackson because my parents told him to watch over me; to see if I will do something stupid again—by stupid, my parents meant seeing Jinyoung again and getting back with him.

“Oh yes, someone’s watching me. You know you are.”

He sighed. “Hyung, you know I stopped doing that when I found out what your angle was and what your parents want you to impossibly do and I couldn’t do that; I couldn’t stop you for loving who you want to love. I’m pro to your objectives and feelings and emotions and shit like that.”

“Fine then. I trust you, please don’t break my trust.”

“I won’t, hyung. I promise.”

Promises are meant to be broken, dongsaeng.

We were quiet for a moment because we obviously don’t know what to say. There was a tension of small anger going around but we trust each other to not let anger go in through our heads. I’m always angry lately; I might be turning into Incredible Hulk or something.

“Hyung, I have a plan in my head but I don’t know if you’ll agree with me.” Jackson said, staring outside.

“Shoot.”

“Continue with the ‘I don’t know you at all’ towards Jinyoung; observe him first, try to get closer with him; you know, testing the water if it’s ice cold or boiling hot. If he carries on being the Jinyoung you know, bring up the subject yourself. If not and he continued to be mopey towards you, asking you constantly if you remember him, tell him the truth.”

“And you think that this will work?” I asked quizzically.

“Of course, I’ve seen it on movies. Now let’s go back there and face him. Observe him and try to be close, see how he responds.”

I nodded, and then we stood up and walked back towards Jinyoung’s room.

 

Jackson opened the door to Jinyoung’s room. I entered after him and saw JB alone with an asleep Jinyoung on the bed. I can’t help but admire his beautiful sleeping face that I used to wake up to before. I missed it a lot. He’s perfect.

“Where are the others?” Jackson asked JB quietly, trying not to wake Jinyoung.

“Oh, they left for food as well. Youngjae got hungry.”

“He’s always hungry. How’s Jinyoung-ssi?”

JB looked at Jinyoung. “He’s… fine. He cried himself to sleep. Ah, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t know that; he… he tries to be strong most of time but truly, he’s gotten uhm… weaker. I guess you know why.” JB motioned at me.

I looked at him apologetically and bowed. “I’m sorry, JB-ssi.”

“Ay. It’s fine, man. Not your fault, for real. Jinyoung’s really just lonely and he lost his Mark, who was his first love. He was extremely depressed but I stayed close to watch. Sometimes he just… took matters into his own hands.”

Jackson looked at me as if saying, ‘your fault for not telling the truth’.

“What matters? If you don’t mind me asking and I hope it’s okay.” Jackson asked, curious.

“You’re gonna find out one way or another so I guess I should tell you, even if I don’t have a right to do so but Jinyoung needs help; that’s the main reason why I’m going to tell you. Also, if you guys are going to be our friends here in Seoul it’s good to know something about this troublesome chingu of yours.”

Jackson laughed lowly but nodded. I just sat there, pretending not to know any of this and it’s so difficult.

“He tried… to… commit suicide; two days after the announcement to him of his Mark’s death, then another a week after. It’s that bad, to be honest. At the second one, I was so glad I found him on time; he… had a weak pulse but he was still alive, that’s what mattered to me that time.”

“Jinyoung was and will always be my best friend; that’s why he matters to me a lot. He’s my little brother. I’ve never seen him so attached to any other person. Jinyoung was extremely sad that his Mark died. This Mark was his happy little pill. Mark made him happy even when Mark was just courting him. He would come home giddy and giggly and really happy. He didn’t need his pills for like five or six months because he was getting better.

“But then the news came to him, and he couldn’t handle it. He cried for an entire day or two. And then he was crying everyday. He missed school and then dropped out. He found no sense to live anymore. He gave Mark his whole heart but he passed away. I was so worried for Jinyoung. It haunted me a lot that anytime, he will take his own life. Every night, I would check on him and would sometimes miss sleep because I want to keep an eye on him. When I’m at school sometimes Jinyoung was just on my mind; worrying if he killed himself or not.”

JB just shrugged after his little story and now I feel really guilty. I was itching to tell them the truth now. Jackson squeezed my thigh, knowing my uneasiness; as if telling me to wait for the right time to tell the truth.

Jackson spoke up. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s not entirely your fault. No one’s at fault in this room.”

“You must’ve known Jinyoung your whole life, JB-ssi.” I smiled at him. Of course he knows Jinyoung for a long time. He’s always there for Jinyoung. He was the one who introduced Jinyoung to me in the first place.

He laughed a little. “We’ve been inseparable since we’ve became classmates in our primary school years. He was bullied a lot back then; he needed a protector.”

I was Jinyoung’s protector then; until I ‘died’.

 

JB, Jackson and I went out for lunch under JB’s request as thanks for bringing Jinyoung to the hospital. JB mentioned Jinyoung writing letters for me ever since we first met but he said that Jinyoung wouldn’t want me to see those.

“I didn’t even see those, I don’t know where he keeps them. All I know is that he uses scented paper and scented pen for those because those two tools are always on top of his study table.” Typical Jinyoung.

“This Mark guy sounds cool and prince charming-like. Not you, Mark hyung. You’re far from that.” Jackson said.

“Ya.” I slapped him on his arm.

JB laughed. “Mark really is; a cool person, I mean. I don’t know about the prince charming part, only Jinyoung knows that.” He smiled and took a bite on his chicken drumstick.

We were eating in peace again when I noticed JB staring at me while eating. As if there’s something suspicious about me. I decided to ignore it.

“I actually know Mark a lot too since we were friends in high school. He’s a really quiet guy and loves Galbitang a lot.”

Why did I order Galbitang again? Oh right.

Jackson looked at what I was eating and his leg was signaling me to say something; to lie to JB.

“Oh, really?” I nervously laughed.

“Yeah.” He answered back, still looking at me. “I can actually know as well if you’re lying or not.”

I grew quiet. Shit. I’m stuck here now. Oh no. Okay, should I dig my hole to myself deeper or not? Jackson nudged my elbow. Say something. Before I could answer back to JB, he spoke.

“Listen, _Mark_. I know you’re Jinyoung’s Mark, okay? I know you’re Mark, my classmate who likes martial arts a lot. I don’t know what your motive on Jinyoung is by doing this; but whatever it is, you should stop it. I hope my story earlier at the hospital gave you a little taste of what’s Jinyoung’s going through after you fucking ‘died’.”

He stood up and tried to walk out.

I stood up and grabbed his arm. “JB, please don’t tell him. I’m not ready yet.” I whispered.

“I know. I can see your anxiety. I’m not in the position to tell him. But the next time I let you see Jinyoung, talk to him and tell him the truth. The entire truth and why you pretended not to know him. He deserves it.”

I nodded.

“I’m leaving. Jinyoung’s fragile like thin glass; think carefully on how you will tell him.”

I removed my grip on his arm and allowed to let him leave.


	9. Tears and Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2.7k words. Enjoy!

_January 13, 2015_

_Mark just got back from Taiwan last week and I couldn’t be more excited for today, to be honest. Today is the day; the day that I will answer his long-awaited question. Yes, Mark. I would like to be your boyfriend. I would like to be the reason why you smile every day. I would like to be the reason why you wake up in the morning. I want to be the reason why you sleep peacefully at night. I want to be your everything as you are my everything. I would like to apologize for making you wait this long. I would like to apologize for being such a huge weight for you. I know that taking care of me is a handful but you still continue to do so._

_Thank you so much for being my sunshine and my happy pill. Thank you for always being there for me as my best friend and now, as my boyfriend. I want you to know that you helped me get better; you helped me find sense in this stupid world. You are perfectly imperfect and I really love you so much._

_JB hyung told me that Galbitang is your favorite food; something that weirdly you didn’t share with me since you tell me almost everything. I’m cooking Galbitang at the moment and I decided to write you this letter while waiting for the Galbitang to cook. I hope you will like my gift to you when we see each other later today; you invited me after all. It’s right that I should give you a gift as a return; also, it’s like homecoming present._

_I felt so touched that you decided to see me immediately the moment you came back to Korea. I’m practically melting in happiness. I know you consider me as your boyfriend already but (I’m cringing as I write this, Mark ohmygod) now you can really consider me as your boyfriend. Haaaaaaa… I’m so out of my mind. I’m so sorry. I’m just so happy, my handwriting is getting messier!_

_I have to go now, Mark. Galbitang is almost cooked. I’ll see you later._

_I’ll write again soon._

_Jinyoung_

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

I stirred in my sleep, realizing I was alone in my room. I grabbed my phone from the side table and checked the time, 12:54pm. JB hyung must’ve gone out for lunch. I put my phone back and lied down again, the pillows are slightly wet; oh right, I cried myself to sleep.

I can feel my tears resurfacing again. Is that really Mark? Is he really alive? Or maybe I’m assuming again and this is not really Mark. Mark was a little tanned, not as pale as porcelain. The Mark I saw today was quite taller than the Mark I’ve known. But there’s a part of me saying that that was Mark. He was right there in front of me, and he doesn’t know me at all.

My eyes felt really painful, I must’ve cried a long time a while ago I can’t remember clearly. I closed my eyes, but didn’t sleep. I just want to get rid of the pain in my eyes. It also gave me a chance to think, to think this through, and to think about all of the things that’s been happening lately. I sighed as my tears flow through my eyes. I was reminded again of what happened earlier. My heart jumped for joy when it saw Mark but it broke into a million pieces when he said that he couldn’t remember me. There’s nothing I could do.

I felt my stomach grumble. I’m hungry as fuck. I grabbed my phone again and called JB hyung; he answered after three rings.

“ _Jinyoung-ah_.”

“Hyung, can you uhm…”

“ _Get_ _you some food?_ He laughed. _“I’m at the stairs now, Jinyoung. I got you jjajangmyeon_.” Ah!

“Okay, okay. See in a few, hyung.”

“ _Neh_.”

As I put my phone back on the side table, the door opened and came JB hyung carrying a paper bag. Jjajangmyeon. Yes! JB hyung set up the food for me and the next thing I knew I was eating. It’s so amazing. I miss eating.

“Listen, Jinyoung-ah. We need to go back home.”

I looked up at him. “You have been missing classes, of course.”

“I... Yeah.” He looked down and I think he found the floor interesting.

“Hyung, I am not going back. I can’t go back. Everyday I have to be reminded that I am alone. I may stay at your place but I still feel lonely. I’m just going to be such a huge weight for you, hyung and I don’t want that anymore. Please understand.”

“What are you gonna do here in Seoul? Where will you go? Where will you live?” His voice rose a bit; he’s trying his best to control his temper.

“I’ll look for a place. I’ll find a job. I have plans now in my head, hyung.” I calmly told him.

Truthfully, I have no plans but at least I get to be alone and actually live alone. I do not mean to disappoint JB hyung but… I have to go out there and explore without JB hyung anymore. I’m tired of being taken care of. I want to take care of someone.

“Jinyoung-ah.”

“JB hyung. I’ll be fine. I’m not going to die.”

“But what if one day you think that you should?! Do you know how hurt I feel when I found you seated at the bathroom floor with a bottle of sleeping pills on your hand?! Do you know what it’s like to almost lose someone like you, Jinyoung?! You are my best friend and I have grown to love you as my brother! It will hurt me, as your hyung, if you are just gone because of a boy you loved!”

JB hyung never got angry at me like this. The last time I saw him like this is when he was yelling at my bullies when we were young. Now he’s yelling because he was extremely mad at me. I wanted to cry but I can’t.

“I promise I’ll be okay, hyung. Please.” I grabbed his hand and looked up in his eyes.

He sighed. I guess he didn’t have any choice but to let me do as I pleased; which is to be independent for once. “Okay. But I’m giving you money, and don’t decline. Just to pay for your first rent before you find a job.”

I nodded. “Sure hyung. Can I get a hug?” I smiled at him.

JB hyung came closer and gave me bone-crushing hug. I’m so glad to have him as my brother. I couldn’t breathe.

“Hyung I… I can’t… bre-eathe…”

He laughed a little on my shoulder and eased his hug. “Sorry.”

He pulled back from the hug and kissed my forehead. “Take care of yourself, little brother.” He got his pocket and gave me an extra 900,000 won.

“Hyung, I have a question.”

“Yes?”

“One, why do you have money that huge in your wallet, and two, where did you get it?”

He laughed again. “I don’t know if I’m still going to go back home so I bought all my money with me; the hell I’m gonna know if looking for you will take a lifetime. And two, I save up a lot of my money, you know. Not for me but for my wife and future kids; I want to have a family in the future too.”

Oh. “Ah. I’m gonna pay you back then!”

“No need. You are my brother and my child at the same time. You are qualified to not pay back. Also, the hospital bills; they have been paid by me and no, don’t pay it back. And before you whine how you can pay for it, save it for other things because I’m forbidding you to pay back.”

I groaned. “Okay. By the way, when are you leaving?”

“This evening.”

“You’re not gonna help me find a place?”

He smirked. “I thought you have plans.”

Ah! Seriously. “I hate you, hyung.”

“I love you too, dongsaeng.”

 

By 5pm, I was discharged from the hospital and went with JB hyung to the train station to bid goodbye. There were little tears as he told me to “not do anything stupid”. I went back to the city proper and walked around to look for apartments. I can actually rent an apartment, thanks to JB hyung. As I was walking around, I saw a street food stand and decided to eat for a while. Ddeokbokki for dinner, oh yes! I seriously adore my country’s food and everything. I ate again like I’ve never ate for a day (it’s slightly true) and then went on walking around.

I found myself again at the park by Han River. This has been my new favorite place now, I guess. It’s so cold but thank to JB hyung’s jacket, I feel extra warm. Someone sat beside me again but it wasn’t Youngjae. It was the _other_ Mark.

“Hey. What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Just enjoying the view and the wind and the cold.” I smiled. “You?”

“Oh. I was walking my dog around.”

A white Maltese barked by his feet and Mark came down to pick him up.

“Hi Jinyoung-ssi, I’m Coco! Bark bark!” Mark said in a cute voice.

Did I just say he’s cute? Oh god.

“Hi Coco.” I held her little paw and shook it. “Nice to meet you.”

“She has a pretty name.” I smiled at Mark. Why is my heart beating frantically? This is not _Mark_. Heart, you don’t have to react like that. He’s not _the Mark_. He’s just someone who just happened to look like Mark and have the same name as him and… okay. Keep calm, Jinyoung.

Mark was quiet beside me, gently petting his dog while I looked on to the river. My beating still won’t stop and I’m feeling like I’m sweating a lot despite the cold. This Mark noticed it. I don’t know why.

“Jinyoung, are you okay? Why are you sweating? It’s freezing cold.” He put his palm on my forehead to check if I was sick.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just like this.” I laughed nervously.

He put down Coco and held my hands. “Come at my place, it’s not far from here; just for a while, please?” He looked into my eyes and I’m lost. _He has to be my Mark._

His power of persuasion that I agreed after he asked for the first time; I hate this but hey, at least I get a place for tonight. I followed him back to his place which was five minutes from the Han River. For someone who lives alone, his place his huge.

“I know what you’re thinking. My siblings stay here whenever; so when they please to go back, they can have a huge space. Not my fault, buddy.” I nodded in understanding.

“Put your coat on the coat rack there, I’ll make us some drinks. Do you want coffee, tea, hot chocolate?”

“Hot chocolate is fine, thanks Mark.”

“Sure. Feel at home, Jinyoung. I’ll go back for our drinks.”

Mark went to the kitchen as I roam around in the living room. His family lives here occasionally yet there’s no family pictures or even memorabilia’s. It’s weird but I’ll never complain. His apartment is clean enough than my shit bedroom at JB hyung’s place. His place is very plain as well. His sofa is as white as snow; the television is hanging on the wall and at the table below it have gaming consoles; XBOX 360, PS4 and Wii. Rich guy over here.

“Are you done with your field trip?” He asked as he put down a mug of hot chocolate on the living room table.

“I… Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Sit down, please.” I obliged.

“So, why is someone like you, who just came out of the hospital, sitting at a park by Han River?”

“I was looking for an apartment earlier. My feet just happen to bring me back to the place where I spent my first night here in Seoul.”

He looked at me confusingly. “You slept at the park?”

“I planned to but no. I couldn’t sleep well. It’s too cold. It’s where I actually met Youngjae.”

“Ah. Have you found an apartment?”

“If I have found an apartment, I would’ve been enjoying myself there, by now.”

“Oh.” He laughed. “Sorry.”

I took a sip of the hot chocolate in perfect temperature, just how I like it. It’s also the way Mark made hot chocolates for me before.

“You can stay here for now. I can help you look for apartments tomorrow.”

My heart jumped. “Really?”

“Sure. Although, I have to go to the training studio first.”

“Do you train as well?”

“Oh, no. I wish I’m just as talented as Jackson and everyone but no, I have something to get from Yugyeom.”

“Oh sure, no problem. You helping me out looking for a place is enough already. I really shouldn’t be complaining, right?”

“Good point.”

We sat in silence again. Somehow we lack words to say to each other, considering we just met earlier today. So I guess that’s why.

Mark spoke up again. “Can I ask you something?” I nodded.

“Who is Mark? I mean the uhm… yeah…”

“Oh.” I laughed a little. “Should I really be telling you this?”

“I don’t mind, I mean… just a little to talk about to avoid uncomfortable silence; if it’s okay with you, of course. I’m not forcing you but—“

“I get it, I get it. A warning though; I’m a total hopeless romantic so please don’t show your cringing to me.”

He raised his right hand, “I promise.”

I took a deep breath. “JB hyung introduced Mark to me. Mark is my hyung but I never got used to calling him hyung; I don’t really know why. He didn’t care anyway, so I didn’t as well. He became my best friend. I think I was already in love with him the moment I saw him for the first time. Yes, he’s cute but he’s a year higher than me so no chance at all being with him.

“One day out of nowhere, he asked me if I could be his boyfriend. I couldn’t give him my answer yet because it’s exams the week before that and I honestly don’t want to be distracted; not that he’s the distraction. It’s more like, protecting my sanity because I’m so crazy about him. After that, I thought about it and told him indirectly that I want to be courted. I don’t want the instant boyfriend because he doesn’t even know me yet and I don’t even know him yet. I want to get to know him better. I want to know if giving him my heart will be worth it. If ever, he’s going to be my first love… and he is.

“It was a tough road for him, I guess. He asked me around August but I never gave him an answer until the 13th of January, a day that I will never forget. It was when he was in Taiwan during Christmas break that time that I realized that I needed him in my life. I want to be his boyfriend. I want to be his and his only.

“It took us three months… then one day, he was just gone. We were supposed to go to school to get his transcripts and he didn’t show up. I called him so many times but he wasn’t answering. It was not like him. The next day, JB hyung told me the news… he was dead. He didn’t know the reason, no one knew. We were basically kept in the dark about this. JB hyung and I never got to the funeral or anything. I don’t even know where he’s buried; I went to the cemeteries back home to check every single one of it. I never saw his name. Then I was told that his body was moved back to Taiwan. I couldn’t go there. I have no money to go there but if I could swim across the ocean I would, if I could—wait, are you crying?”

He sniffed. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

“What? You can’t do what?”

He sighed. “I can’t lie anymore. Jinyoung, it’s me; your Mark. Your one and only Mark Tuan; I love you, Jinyoungie and I’ve missed you so much.” He put his hands on my face.

“Look at me please and say something. I’m so sorry for leaving you like that.”

My heart beats frantically again and now I know why.


End file.
